An Occasional Thought

Question #7

2010-04-06T22:27:00.001-07:00

Will I ever get what I so desperately want?

Question #6

2010-04-06T22:26:00.001-07:00

Sorry I missed a little while, I had lots of ideas but kept forgetting to post them...

Why do I have such a bad memory?

Question #5

2010-03-20T08:23:00.000-07:00

Did Adam and Eve have belly buttons?

Question #4

2010-03-12T08:23:00.001-08:00

Why do men have nipples?

Question #3

2010-03-10T19:28:00.000-08:00

How do I avoid offending people of other religions but still manage to ask questions?

Question #2

2010-03-07T08:51:00.001-08:00

What am I going to do with the rest of my life?

Question #1

2010-02-27T08:50:00.001-08:00

Does God hate?

Reflections on Vespers a.k.a. Shannon's Frustrations with God

2009-09-22T23:17:00.004-07:00

I drove to CBC tonight for Vespers for the first time this year. It was oddly comforting to be on campus again. I love the place, it just isn’t where God wants me right now, so I’m okay with it. It’s amazing to see people I haven’t seen at all (or very rarely) over the summer. Hugs and stories were traded all around.

I never realize how much I miss something until I’m back there again. I love being in a place surrounded by fellow Christians worshipping our Creator together. This year there’s less of a distraction for me too...(*wink wink for those who understand this*)...or so I thought.

As I was looking around the room after worship ended I saw a face I haven’t seen since last April. As much as you think you’re over something...all it takes is the blink of an eye to take you right back to the beginning. God grant me the strength to keep on keeping on.

I’ve experienced this in a few areas of my life lately. People who have basically left my life, coming back, and not knowing what to do or how to react around them. When they’re right in front of me I don’t know what to say. When they’re gone I have plenty of stuff to say. Why does my brain work like that? Out of sight does not equal out of mind, just a different kind of in the mind.

What did God say to me tonight? I don’t really think He said anything to me. Has God really ever said anything to me? I don’t know. I feel like parts of my life are messages from God, but I’ve only once really felt that God told me something specifically. I ask God for answers and messages all the time...maybe I’m looking at the wrong places for my answers, I don’t know.

I feel frustrated with God. And then I feel guilty for being frustrated with God. Which is ridiculous because who other than God can take all the crap I can throw out and still love me no matter what? No one, that's who.

I'm in a lot of physical, emotional, and spiritual pain right now. The physical I can deal with, it's just my body, I'm not taking it with me anyway. What's a little ache here and there compared to being nailed to a cross and dying a horrible painful death? But the emotional and spiritual pain are starting to take their toll on me. I feel a deep separation from God...a separation which I've felt for some time. I keep going to church, praying, and praising Him, because I know He's there...but I can't feel it. I don't know if I'm supposed to feel it. The emotional pain is almost crippling now. The fact is that I live in a filthy room because I feel no motivation to clean it. I'm in debt because I feel no motivation to save. I'm alone because...well that one I don't know...but I feel like God is ignoring my pleas in this department.

As the saying goes... "The truth shall set you free." I know the truth. I've accepted the truth. I've let the truth be known by others (a select few, but still). Why do I feel more trapped by it than ever?

FML

2009-07-16T10:06:00.002-07:00

Darn you Neal Roberts!

He posted a link on Facebook, and I decided to check it out. Now I'm reading all these HILARIOUS stories. Most of which, if they actually happened to me, I'd be mortified, but because they didn't. *giggle*

"Today, I was on my girlfriend's computer. When searching on google, her browsing history popped up. The first thing was"Best positions for a small penis." FML"

It's Not Supposed To Be Like This

2009-06-01T17:25:00.001-07:00

I feel the need to vent right now. I just spent the last hour crying, off and on.

I’m bad with money. I know that. I like to show how much I care about people by spending money on them because I’m bad at talking about my emotions. This has gotten me into trouble.

Including my student loans, car, and credit cards, I’m approximately $30,000 in the hole. I have no idea how to get out of this hole. I hate that I keep “borrowing” money from my parents. I’m sure that my brothers hate me too because they think I’m spoiled, living at home for free still. I haven’t made a car payment in months. My credit cards are both maxed out. My student loans are going to start collecting soon. And I have less than $2.00 in my bank account.

I love my job, for the first time...ever, really. But I’m going to have to quit because I can’t get enough hours. I understand that we have a lot of people to fit into a schedule, but it’s hard to go from 25 + hours one week...to 11 the next.

I’m supposed to be leaving on a road trip to visit some of my favourite people in 16 sleeps. At this point it looks like I’m going to have to cancel because I don’t have enough money. I haven’t had a vacation in about 3 years... I desperately need to get away from life here and try to relax. For me, driving is relaxing, therefore a road trip made sense. I thought I was going to have enough money in my piggy bank to at least cover gas, but since I decided to redecorate my bathroom, I needed more storage in my bedroom, and I ended up helping with a friend’s wedding shower, most of that money got spent.

I hate watching people around me do whatever they want and have to beg my parents for money to do the simplest things...like fill my gas tank. My parents just got back from a big vacation where they probably spent a couple grand. I don’t begrudge them this, because they work hard for their money and have been doing so for 30+ years. But it’s so hard to watch them when I can’t even come close to a short trip away from home.

I love my friends, and I love that they have found love and are getting married and starting families, but that is the hardest thing in the world for me to watch. All I want from life is a good husband and a home to raise children in. Is that so much to ask? I’ve been begging God for years to give me my chance at love...I hate to admit it, but it makes it hard to believe God really loves me when all I seem to experience is pain and jealousy.

I’ve made some really bad choices in life. I’m fully aware of this fact, but once I learn from them, why don’t things ever get any better? I fall for the wrong guys, who take no interest whatsoever in me... I work at jobs I hate for money that isn’t worth it, only to end up even more in debt than before... I finally get a car I love but can’t afford to keep it on the road anymore...

This isn’t what life was supposed to be like. I’m not supposed to be living off my parents at this age. I’m not supposed to be wearing clothes that don’t fit or have holes the size of my fist because I can’t afford to buy new ones. I’m not supposed to drown in debt at this age without at least having a degree to fall back on.

I’m not supposed to hate myself.

A Few Thoughts

2009-04-19T22:01:00.003-07:00

I've overcome a lot of crazy feelings these past few months. It's been surprisingly wonderful. I'm far from perfect in my feelings, but I feel like I've conquered a lot of demons as far as guys go. However, the end of some feelings, make room for others...and I may now have a semi-inappropriate crush. It's not wrong, just bad timing...That's for another time though.

I had my tonsils out 10 days ago now. I'm still dealing with a lot of pain. It's very frustrating because the rest of me feels fine. I'm tired all the time from the painkillers and I can barely swallow my own saliva let-alone any food or water. It's finally starting to feel better, but it's been so much worse than I expected.

God does some crazy things in our lives eh? I'm learning more and more each day about God's timing and my own timing...and how God's is most definitely better than mine. I like that.

I miss my Oma a lot. I know she's in a better place and she's finally out of pain, so that's a huge comfort. I don't wish her back if she has to be in that pain, I would only want her back here if she was healthy and happy. Since I know she's got health and happiness with God, I'm happy she's there. I didn't go visit her in the hospital...I was sick and I also kinda just didn't want to see her like that. I still have that terrible vision of my Grandpa in my head and he wasn't even that far along in his illness when I saw him last. I can remember the good things, but there's still that image in my head. I didn't want that with my Oma. I love her very very very much and I told her that. I sent her cards too, while she was in the hospital. She knows I love her and I'm okay with my decision. I said goodbye to her in my heart and I know that she knows it wasn't that I didn't want to visit because I didn't want to see her, but because I didn't want to see her pain. I kept getting pressured to go visit, but I made my decision and stuck with it. I'm comfortable with it and I hope no one judges me for it. I love you Oma...so much!

Facebook has stolen my soul...

2009-02-10T23:19:00.001-08:00

Hence the lack of blogging. Also, the lack of internet in my bedroom makes it hard to write on here cuz I don't want my parents reading this (for reasons I've discussed with them).

Tonight I am sad...

I Want To Be The One

2008-11-06T19:21:00.008-08:00

Sitting in the same room

I cautiously glance your way

Hoping that our eyes will meet

And you'll feel what I can't say

So many words unspoken

So many thoughts undone

If only you could see and know

That maybe I'm the one

I want to be...

The one who could love you

Who could hold you close at night

I want to be the one who could kiss you

And tell you everything's alright

I want to be the one

You do know how I feel

Way down deep inside

If I try to pretend it isn't true

I'll be living one big lie

So many words avoided

So many looks unmet

I know God has a plan for me

I just don't see it yet

And I want to be...

The one who could love you

Who could hold you close at night

I want to be the one who could kiss you

And tell you everything's alright

I want to be the one

God planned for us to meet

He knew I'd fall for you

I know that He will guide my path

I want you to see it too

I want to be...

The one who could love you

Who could hold you close at night

I want to be the one who could kiss you

And tell you everything's alright

I want to be the one

I want to be your one.

On the Verge of Disaster

2008-10-05T12:59:00.003-07:00

Sometimes I really love my crazy busy life. Sometimes I just want to scream about it though...

When I'm not in class, I'm working. And when I'm not working I'm supposed to be studying or reading or working on an assigment of some sort...but I have no desire to do any of these things. I have lost all interest in anything. I find it hard to get out of bed each day...

My room is an utter disaster, seriously, it's disgusting...but I can't bring myself to clean it.

My homework is piling up and my reading is up to my eyeballs now...but I keep pretending it doesn't exist and hoping it will go away. I have a midterm on Tuesday that I'm fairly certain I'm going to completely bomb.

My job is great, I love my co-workers, I love the customers, I don't even mind the work...but I'm exhausted by the crazy schedule.

If I don't go to work I can't go to school, if I don't go to school, I need to work more. I have no time for a social life, and it's what I need desperately. I have no money because of my credit card bill, and I have my credit card bill because I have no money. I need sleep, but my schedule is so crazy I can't get a consistent sleep schedule.

All I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep for a week...maybe broken up with some chocolate and some crying.

Imagine

2008-09-13T22:04:00.001-07:00

New Job!!!

2008-08-25T17:27:00.001-07:00

I went in to drop off my application and resume at Starbucks today...waited a few minutes for an interview...and got hired! Finally, after applying like a zillion times, I am a Starbucks employee!!!

Some day, Some way, Some how

2008-08-23T12:38:00.002-07:00

There's a pain inside my heart

And I don't want to feel it

There's a pain inside my soul

And I can't help but feel it

And there's a pain I can't describe

That's deep inside me now

All I know is that it will be healed

Some day, some way, some how

When there's a pain inside my body

A doctor I will see

When there's a pain inside my heart

My best friend is there for me

But the pain inside my soul

Can't be healed by either one

The only way it can be healed

Is through Jesus Christ, God's Son.

How Quickly Life Can Change...

2008-08-22T19:01:00.003-07:00

"All You Need Is Love"

I need a lot of it...my heart is broken.

I didn't know it was going to be like this.

I am at a loss...

Smile

2008-08-20T12:41:00.004-07:00

With a change of life comes a change of blog...

One Hell Of A Week

2008-08-16T00:50:00.003-07:00

I've had some bad weeks in my life...

The one where my grandfather died. The one where I failed my driver's test, and again... The one where I had my jaw broken. The one where I thought I had brain cancer. The one where I had the spinal tap. The one where I lost one of my best friends...actually there have been a couple of those.

And this week fits in very well with that set of bad weeks...

First I get the third degree from my boss because rumours have been spreading that someone has been stealing and I (along with many others) knew about the rumour and didn't tell her. My job was on the line... Or so we thought. Now it's all good, but it was a rough couple of days.

Then my mother is being tested for cancer. Turns out it's not cancer, but it's still pretty serious and requires major surgery.

Then I basically get voted off the worship team for missing practise. I'm still really angry about this one...I'm even going to skip church on Sunday because I don't feel I'm ready to see those people lead worship without feeling angry or upset and wanting to lash out. I'll be playing with glitter instead...God will forgive me.

I know I could find another job. I know God will heal my mom. But the third one threw me for one hell of a loop...believe it or not, it's the one that hurts the most.

I missed practise, for one of only a handful of times in the many years I've been involved in church worship leading. Typically, I'm the first one at practise, and occasionally the only one... Other people miss practise all the time and still got to be on the team for Sunday, I'm the first one they've ever enforced this rule on. It's not like it's a show where we have to be perfect. It's worshipping God! Basically I've been told that I can't worship God in the way I love doing it most. (And I'm crying again...fourth time today.) I never thought I was good enough to be on the team in the first place, but when people kept encouraging me I went for it, and LOVED it. It's not about performing, it's about leading God's people in worship.

People may think this is immature to post about it here, but this is my form of venting. I haven't said anything that I didn't say directly to the people involved, albeit by email, I'm not ready to confront them in person. I'm incredibly hurt, and like anything else, I'm sharing my hurt the way I occasionally do...with the whole world via my lovely blog.

So Sunday morning, on my way to my scrapbooking class on glitter, I'll be worshipping God my way. In the car with loud music and these words running through my head...

Someone Once Said...

2008-08-13T00:47:00.003-07:00

"No man is worth your tears, and the one who is won't make you cry." I can't quite remember who right now, but whoever said it...to them I say... :P *pfffffft*

I don't know what I'm feeling right now. (*edit...that's not true, I'm feeling afraid) I found a boy...who I believe I'm meant to be with...and who believes he's meant to be with me. But the simplest thing is seemingly about to end it...

He's a Catholic...and I'm a Lutheran. This should not be a huge issue. We both love the same God. It's just HOW we love Him that is where the issue comes.

I'm sure we can work through this...but when he went offline tonight, as I literally had tears streaming down my face at the thought of this simple issue ending us...I had a moment of doubt. Anyone have a relationship where they attend different churches? Is it really possible? I'm so afraid it won't be...I had always pictured my family walking into church together, standing and praising God together, celebrating holidays at church together... I don't want this to end because of a stupid denominational line...

Bein' Apathetic's A Pathetic Way To Be

2008-08-11T19:14:00.002-07:00

And yet...I've been very apathetic about many things lately. I feel like I've let a lot of things happen that I shouldn't have. Not really bad things, but just not fulfilling committments. It's not that I'm not trying either, I've just come to the point where so many things don't seem to matter anymore that I put in the least effort possible. I'm not sure I should be concerned, but it will probably begin to afect a lot more things in the near future and I don't really want it to. At the same time...I really don't care that much in order to try to change it.

"You all laugh at me
Like I'm not happy
With anything, any time, anywhere
And the half of me's all about apathy
And the other half just doesn't care"

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/relientk/apatheticwaytobe.html

Unimportant Things

2008-07-12T12:20:00.003-07:00

The idea is to share six unimportant things about myself and then to tag six other people to do the same thing.

Here are the rules:
1. Link back to the person who tagged you.
2. Post these rules on your blog.
3. Share six unimportant things about yourself.
4. Tag six random people at the end of your entry.

So...thanks to A Pastor Named Andrew here are the unimportant things about me:

1. I like to sing in the car...and by like, I mean love...and by love, I mean I can't help it, it just happens. I will sing at the top of my lungs, testing out new harmonies, occasionally grimacing at them...and when people notice, I like to smile and keep on singing. "Here I [sing], I can do no other."

2. I am inexplicably addicted to chapstick. I cannot go without it for more than a couple of hours. It is nearly always in my pocket, and if not there, in my purse. I have even been known to carry an extra, unopened, tube in my purse, in case my pocket one runs out.

3. I am surprisingly happy when I annoy people with my opinions... Especially when it comes to my Christian opinions, or my innate Lutheran-ness. (I think I just made up a word...can that please be used in a sermon sometimes?) I like to be the "devil's advocate" in conversations, occasionally taking a side that I don't even agree with, just to see what happens. Most of the time however, I am very sure of what I'm talking about, and you're not going to change my mind. I am especially pissed off when people tell me I can share my opinion, and then dog me for it...so then I just like to have fun with them. *sneaky smile* I may have bought a Luther rose window cling for my car, just to stir the pot at school...oh and also my support the troops bracelet and ribbon for my car...I'm looking forward to it. *extra sneaky smile*

4. I absolutely hate cleaning my room...but I love it when my room is clean. It's a horrible combination...

5. I have 7 pillows, two quilts, a polar fleece blanket, my baby blanket, a teddy bear, and my Bumble on my bed...plus I sleep on a feather bed on top of my mattress. I love my bed...

6. I hate it when people don't know the difference between words that sound the same but are spelled differently. Your is a word that is about ownership. eg. It is your hat. You're is a combination of the words you and are. eg. You're funny. ~You're an idiot who doesn't know your own phone number...*teehee*. There is about a place. eg. It's over there. Their is also about ownership. eg. It is their house, not mine. They're is a combination of they and are. eg. They're funny too. ~They're having a party at their house which is over there across the street. Hay is grass...food for horses. eg. I cut the hay today for my horse. Hey is a greeting. eg. Hey, how are you? ~Hey, can you go cut some hay for my horse? I'm just saying...

And this is one very important thing...I HATE STUPID PEOPLE!!!!!

Tag - Neal, Leah, Heather, Adam, Brent...I've run out of people.

Yay for computer geeks!

2008-07-09T21:53:00.000-07:00

I took my computer into Future Shop at approximately 2:40pm...and I walked out with it at approximately 2:55pm. It took all of five minutes to fix things! I love computer geeks!

Here goes take two...

2008-07-09T12:32:00.001-07:00

I'm taking my computer into Future Shop again today...hopefully this time it will come home properly fixed this time, and won't take 60 days...

Proud Lutheran (but not too proud)

2008-07-08T13:42:00.002-07:00

My products from oldlutheran.com arrived today. I'm so very excited! I can't wait to use my "Reduce-Reuse-Reform" bag, and my "This is most certainly Brew" mug...I'm currently wearing my "Organ Music Rocks" shirt. Someday I'll have my baby in their "Baptized Lutheran" creeper...*sigh*

I LOVE BEING LUTHERAN!!!

I Think I'm In Shock...

2008-06-22T12:30:00.002-07:00

I feel sick. I'm shaking. Tears keep coming to my eyes.

I know it's not a sure thing. But you know when you hear something and right away you feel like the world is collapsing? That's how I feel...

Coulda used a heads up on this one... I know I don't have any right to hear about it specially, but I felt like I was hit by a Mac truck this morning. I also know you're going to read this...if I felt like I could talk about it in person right now, I would, but for now this is all I have to say. Maybe after it sets in a little I'll come for a visit...

Oh Gosh...

2008-05-28T13:08:00.003-07:00

So I realized about an hour after my post very early this morning that I forgot to take my pills yesterday. It helped me realize why I was losing my mind and freaking out and why I had a migraine all day...and for that matter still do.

I've taken my pills today and am beginning to feel a little better...although I'm a little lightheaded as all the stuff begins to make it's way to my brain. Days like yesterday just remind me that I definitely do need my medication and I thank God for it, even though it's hard to go through.

Hard To Say

2008-05-28T02:05:00.004-07:00

The singer finished singing and she's walking out
The singer sheds a tear, her fear of falling out
And it's hard to say how I feel today
For years gone by and I cried

It's hard to say that I was wrong
It's hard to say I miss you
Since you've been gone, it's not the same

My worries weigh the world, how I used to be
And everything, I'm cold, seems a plague in me
And it's hard to say how I feel today
For years gone by and I cried

It's hard to say that I was wrong
It's hard to say I miss you
Since you've been gone, it's not the same
It's hard to say I held my tongue
It's hard to say if only
Since you've been gone, it's not the same

Worse than the fear it's the lie you told a thousand times before
Worse than a fear it's the knife
But it's hard to say how I feel today
For years gone by and I cried

It's hard to say that I was wrong
It's hard to say I miss you
Since you've been gone, it's not the same
It's hard to say I held my tongue
It's hard to say if only
Since you've been gone, I'm not the same
It's hard to say (God, it's hard to say)
Since you've been gone,
I'm not the same

"Hard to Say" - The Used
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was flipping through my iPod looking for something I could belt out to get some energy out, I turned on a song by The Used, and forgetting that my iPod was on shuffle, this song came up after it. It wasn't until it was stuck in my head later that I realized how much it seems to be describing how I feel at this very moment. I can't describe what I feel...and if I could, I don't think anyone would understand.
One thing I am feeling that I can describe is that I feel like I've always been a let down to everyone. To my family, to my friends, to myself...to God. I never feel good enough. It's hard to say that...even if no one reads this...it's hard to say. But there's so much more inside of me that's hard to say. Damn I wish I wasn't so afraid...

"It's hard to say (God, it's hard to say)" - It's hard to say to anyone...I can't admit it to myself...I can't admit it to God...I can't say it. It's too hard to say...just too freaking hard...

*big deep breath* ("Breathe...just breathe..." - Ever After)

Indescribably Me

2008-05-10T23:03:00.002-07:00

I got my computer back! Yay! And it's fixed! Double yay! And it was free! Quadruple bazillion yay! That being said...

Things have been pretty good lately. I haven't felt much out of the ordinary, other than a little bit of a lack of sleep because life is throwing a few curveballs my way. I got promoted at work. I'm an FES now...yay! (Front End Supervisor) Paul and Laya's wedding is next week. I just got home from Jeremy and Marie's wedding. It was a nice night, not at all what I had expected, but still enjoyable.

I'm feeling some things right now that are hard to explain. I think it's because I'm feeling them...and not anyone else. We all have our own ways to deal with things. I'm finding this weekend...week? month? year? hard to deal with all of a sudden. I think it's because I expected to find myself in the position of the people getting married by now, or long ago for that matter. Life is not what I had planned. Don't get me wrong, I like most of the things about my life. Things are actually pretty awesome, especially right now. But it still feels like there's something missing. I don't know that it's a relationship, it's probably not, but it might be nice. I know God has a plan for me. I know it's probably not anything like the plan I had for myself. Life seems to be changing day to day. I never know what I'm going to be doing by the end of it.

Maybe I'll try this...

There is a way
To describe life
That is insincere
There is a way
To describe pain
That is real
But there is no way
To describe me
Or my feelings
Or my thoughts
Or my pain

A Little Laugh

2008-03-23T12:44:00.000-07:00

When I saw this, I immediately thought of Neal...
Don't really know why, but I hope it makes SOMEONE giggle!

No Computer

2008-03-20T12:35:00.003-07:00

I am currently without my laptop, this makes me sad. I miss it. I hate the school computers, they're too slow. And the computer at home isn't much better. Oh well...only a few more weeks and I'll be able to surf away at my heart's content.

White As Snow - Jon Foreman

2008-03-02T13:44:00.003-08:00

I love Jon Foreman...he can write like no one else can.

Blessed

2008-03-02T00:16:00.002-08:00

I feel truly blessed tonight...or this morning as the case may be. Today I had my birthday party. There were just under 20 people here throughout the day, which made for some interesting conversations, and even more interesting seating arrangements. I probably should have found more chairs, but they were needed at the dining room table for the scrapbooking.

I'll have pictures up in a while, as soon as I can get them from the upstairs computer to my laptop. They are all in black and white, since it was a black and white party. My wonderful friends, and me, sometimes together, sometimes apart. I love them all so much. I was amazed how my different groups of friends got along together, working together, celebrating together. I love them more than I can explain. There were a few noted people missing...Leah, Neal, Jocelyn, Kirsten. I love you guys too!

I really have no idea where I would be without my wonderful friends. Thank you so much for your love and support. I love you, I love you, I love you.

Ignorance is NOT bliss!

2008-02-11T12:53:00.000-08:00

How come everyone else can get heated and share their opinion, no matter how stupid or ignorant, but as soon as I share my opinion, I get shushed? My opinion counts just as much as the next person's does. I was accused of arguing when trying to explain my point, and then when I commented I got told I was upsetting someone. It's fucking ridiculous. Wow, that felt good to type. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

Oh, to put that in context, I was told by a fellow student that he refused to read one of our assigned textbooks last semester because it had a swear word in it. The swearing was in perfect context and it was totally warranted. I said he was being ignorant by refusing to read it because of one word. It is ridiculous. We're told to be in the world but not of it, therefore we have to be exposed to some of these things in order to know what the world is about. If we spend our whole lives avoiding the tiny things we're never going to be in situation where we can share our faith and explain that it's okay to experience the world, just not to get caught up in it. This was from the same guy who called me a cannibal last semester so I really shouldn't be surprised. I just thought people were more open to others' opinions here. Apparently I was wrong.

2008-01-20T22:06:00.001-08:00

Too young
To have this many problems
Too old
To not have any problems at all

I don’t want to be a grown up
Anymore

Life is harder
When I think about it
But it’s impossible
When I don’t think at all

I can’t be who You want me to be
I can’t even be who I want me to be

Never good enough
Never good enough
Never good enough
Never good enough

Hurt
It hurts a lot
It hurts more than
Anything
Ever could

Alone in the crowd
Surrounded by myself
Nothing works
Nothing helps

This world collapses around me
As I cry
Don’t want to do this
Anymore

Want to sleep
For a few years
Hope it all works out
I’ll see you on the other side
Of this dreamless sleep

Beautifully Composed

2008-01-15T17:55:00.000-08:00

The Lies We Tell (And Believe)

2008-01-14T00:00:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about the lies I tell myself. And the lies that I believe about myself. I don't know exactly how to describe what I'm feeling in this area, so it may be a bit rambly at times, but I hope that you'll bear with me and in some way I'll be able to help you understand where I'm coming from.

I'm not the average 23 (almost 24) year old woman. I was going to type girl, because that's really more what I feel like, a girl, but I'm technically a woman, so there it is. I don't look average, I don't act average, I don't feel average...I'm just not average. But I try to convince myself that being different is okay. Sometimes it's not okay. I don't want to be different...but I also don't want to be average. It's a double edged sword I suppose.

I try to pretend I'm okay with my looks, attempting to dress myself for the way I am now and not the way I want to be, but I'm really not okay with it. I have to accept it, because it doesn't seem to matter what I do, it's not changing any time soon. But I'm not okay with myself. I hate it when people compliment me because I feel like they're lying to me. I always find a way to excuse their compliment and figure they didn't really mean it. I know what I look like. I know I'm not pretty in any kind of conventional way. I also know I never will be. I hated it when I lost some weight and people started complimenting me on it...was I not good enough when I was heavier? Maybe that's it...I never feel good enough.

I act the way I do to try to make people like me. I don't want to be alone. I hate being alone...well other than the times when I love being alone. I'm loud. That, I'm okay with. I wish people didn't freak out so much about me being loud. You know it's true, deal with it. When people make a big deal of it, I feel like a loser.

I live every day of my life with depression and anxiety. It's a part of who and what I am. I need people to be okay with this, because I'm okay with it. I'm afraid that I will never find someone who is okay with it like I am. I was talking with someone about not understanding how someone can be addicted to drugs and have to focus their life around their addiction...when I realized I have to focus my life around my pills. I take anti-depressants. I take a semi-large dose in fact. I have to make sure I take the pill everyday or else I am a very unhappy and messed up person to be around. I try to be happy...but they don't make me happy. It takes a lot of work to be the person I am to the world. I'm much happier when I can curl up in my pyjamas and drift off in a book, or game, or movie...where I can be the normal one for a change.

I am deathly afraid that I am going to spend the rest of my life never knowing true love. I am scared that I am going to be single forever. I have experienced love...towards others that is...I've never had someone other than a friend or family member tell me they love me. What I mean by this of course, is a man. I want to be in a relationship. I try to believe I'm okay with being single, that it's easier, that it would be more work to be in a relationship. All of these things are true, but I also really want to be in a relationship. Whoever said you can't truly love someone without loving yourself first is a nosehole...I'd really like to send them a big FUCK YOU! It's a lie that I believe.... The lie I tell is that I'm okay with being single. It's really hard to watch your friends getting engaged and having babies when that's all you really want to do.

I want to hear that I'm loved. I want to hear that I'm beautiful. I want to hear that it's okay to be who I am. I want to hear that I don't need to fake it anymore. I want to hear it...but most of all I want to believe it.

There's a piece of my past that I think I might be ready to confront. I even think I've found someone who could help me through it. But the thing is...if I bring it up it could literally destroy my world. I don't know if I can hide it anymore...but I also don't know if I can face it... Everytime I think I'm ready, I chicken out.

Dr. Phil always says, "You can't change what you don't acknowledge." I acknowledge the fact that I tell and believe lies. Now how do I change them?

I feel pretty good about getting this all out. Maybe I'll be able to sleep soon...

What to say...

2008-01-07T20:15:00.000-08:00

I've learned to knit! It's very exciting. I'm making things for people...and myself eventually. It's fun.

Back to school on Wednesday. Registered today. Paid lots of money...too much money.

I think I may have changed my mind about what I want to do with my life as far as a career is concerned. Maybe a wedding planner? I'm loving it so far... :)

I've been thinking about blogging lots but just never have time or energy. So don't be surprised if it's a while till I post again...or maybe I'll post lots, who knows.

______======______======______

"I don’t want to talk to anyone but You.
Tell You what I feel and the things I’m going through.
I want to blind to the things that drag me down.
I want to blind, I don’t want to sell out.
You are more than I could ever pretend,
To know the first thing about love and what it means.
I will hold on to Your words forever.
To know You, to see You, to touch You.
You’re all I want.
You’re all I need. I can’t ride this fence, it’s tearing me apart.
One foot in, one foot out.
I can’t keep this straight now."

"One Foot In, One Foot Out" - Ruth

Is it bedtime yet?

2007-12-17T01:22:00.000-08:00

"Is it bedtime yet?" How many times a day do I ask this question? Too many. The answers I get are surprising. Kirsten always says yes. Most people say no. Some say in a few hours or some such nonsense.
Well tonight, it's been bedtime for hours, but things were just too good to end. In fact, in a few hours, I have to be up and on my way to work. I start in...8 hours and 11 minutes according to my alarm clock...and even less according to my computer clock.

I had a few of my girls over for a Christmas movie night tonight. Or that's what it was supposed to be. The movies are still sitting on top of the tv, untouched. We made a Christmas gingerbread nativity set...very creatively. I'll try to get the pics from Krissi ASAP. Then we sat down to decide what movie to watch, and ended up having some of the best conversations I can remember in my life. Seriously, we talked about everything from sex to depression to bras. Yup, strange topics, and everything in between. It felt normal. It felt real. It felt AMAZING! I love my friends. I wish I had more opportunities like this one to spend a few hours connecting with some amazing people.

And now, it's bedtime. At least, I hope I'll be able to sleep...soooooo much sugar!!!
For the moment, I'll leave you with some "Ruth" lyrics.

"Because I’m secondhand dreaming.
I swear I’m barely breathing,
And I want to know,
Is this for real?
Secondhand dreaming.
I swear I’m barely breathing,
And I want to know,
Is this for real?
Because I’m secondhand dreaming.
I swear I’m barely breathing,
And I want to know,
Is this for real?"
~"Secondhand Dreaming" ~Secondhand Dreaming ~Ruth

Thinking, procrastinating, writing, singing, listening, watching...

2007-12-06T07:04:00.001-08:00

Thinking about life in general.
Procrastinating studying, cleaning, eating.
Writing papers...endless papers.
Singing whatever I like.
Listening to Ruth. Seriously amazing people.
Watching my life slowly pass me by. At least I finally feel like a part of it.

To Sum It Up - - - WOW!

2007-12-04T00:05:00.000-08:00

I have all sorts of thoughts running through my head. Switchfoot, Relient K, and Ruth were AMAZING!!! Totally worth the trip. I hope to have pics soon, as soon as GK gets them to me. We took like 3 GB worth of pics and videos between the two of us. Awesomeness!

There's so much more going on in my mind that I'd really like to share, but it's late/early, and I need to be up in just over 5 hours. Gah! I really want to express myself, I finally feel like blogging... *sigh* For now, it's off to bed with a good book and what's left of a Sparkling Vanilla Cream Soda...I love some of the things Americans come up with!

'Nuff Said

2007-11-25T23:27:00.000-08:00

Just Me

2007-11-19T23:05:00.000-08:00

I am what I am.
I am who I am.

Look at me.
Love me.
Fear me.
Accept me.
Accept me.
Fear me.
Love me.
Look at me.
I am who I am.
I am what I am.

Why can't it be like it used to be?

2007-11-19T23:02:00.000-08:00

I want my blogging to give me the same satisfaction as it used to. I got my feelings out and I went to sleep. Now I sit down to type, multiple times in one day, and nothing of any worth comes out of me. I read Adam's blog and feel so inspired. He is in this deep troublesome period, but he manages to express his feelings so well. I'm envious of how he can express himself because I feel like I'm stuck with all my feelings on the inside.
I've tried journalling. I like journalling. But I can't write as fast as my thoughts come and I end up forgetting things. Typing doesn't always help. For example, I had an awesome post title and idea a little while ago, I've completely forgotten it.

I'm gonna try a new thing, inspired again by Adam.

Listening: snores from upstairs
Hearing: thoughts swirling and "In Like a Lion (Always Winter)"
Waiting: for a moment when I feel clearheaded and open to sharing what is holding me back

Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, My Old Friend

2007-11-08T15:25:00.000-08:00

Carmen is no longer. Well, she is, but she's not mine any longer. Here's her goodbye picture...

"You say goodbye and I say hello

Hello, hello

I don't know why you say goodbye I say hello

Hello, hello

I don't know why you say goodbye I say hello"

This is my new beauty, Lightning!!! Less money than I wanted to spend, for more car than I expected to get. I'm am so freaking excited!

Stupid Stairs!

2007-11-08T10:21:00.000-08:00

I just fell down the stairs at school. It freaking hurts. My ankle is swollen and purply. The first aid guy thinks it's just a sprain...which is probably worse because it means nothing can really be done.
*sigh*

Is It Too Much To Ask?

2007-10-31T23:51:00.001-07:00

Is it too much to ask...
For God to send me a good Lutheran boy? Or for that matter a good Christian boy?

Is it too much to ask...
For money to start falling out of the sky one day so that I can buy a car without a loan?

Is it too much to ask...
For one of my supervisors to not hate me just because I'm not "perfect" like her?

Is it too much to ask...
For people to not gossip about my mother when I'm sitting a few feet away and can hear their every word?

Is it too much to ask...
For God to add just a few more hours to the day so I can get everything done and still get a normal amount of sleep?

Is it too much to ask...
For caffeine to come in the air we breathe so I can stop spending money on coffee?

Is it too much to ask...
For all my teachers to give me month long extensions so I can have my little breakdown and not miss anything?

Is it too much to ask...
Is it too much to ask...
Is it too much to ask...

The good news is...I feel better having asked all these questions that won't ever really get answers. Anyone else have their own "Is it too much to ask..." that they'd like to add?

Movie Night

2007-10-26T21:34:00.000-07:00

Tonight I watched two movies. Here are my opinions...

Movie #1 - 1408

Pretty good overall. There were a few jumping moments where my heart felt like it was in my throat. However, I was kind of disappointed by the ending. I don't know what I wanted, but it wasn't there. If you like movies that you can question and scare you a bit, definitely see this one.

Movie #2 - Reign Over Me

This was awesome. It actually made me cry a tiny bit. It felt like I was actually experiencing the story, which I haven't felt in a movie for a very long time. Adam Sandler is a great comedian, and he's also an amazing actor in something like this. He made the character of Charlie come alive! I loved him in this movie so much. Don Cheadle is a great actor too. He really played the part well, I couldn't have pictured anyone else in this role. Seriously people, it's got a few laugh moments, a few cry moments, and a lot of thinking moments. I loved it. You should most definitely see this one.

I went into Blockbuster planning to rent The Number 23 and Evan Almighty. I still want to see both of those movies, but this was the night I needed these movies. I'm happy with my choices. Soon I'm sure I'll see the other ones...

FaIling

2007-10-24T08:45:00.000-07:00

One little letter
Can you tell the difference?
Does it say falling
or failing?

I am falling
I am failing
I am calling out
For God

"How long to sing this song?

How long to sing this song?

How long?

How long...

To sing this song?"

~U2 - 40~

Missing Days

2007-10-24T06:59:00.000-07:00

I am a poet
On the inside

I am a student
On the outside

I am a girl
Everywhere

I am scared
Underneath the surface

I am happy
On occasion

I am sad
Much of the time

I am missing
All those days
When we used to be
Who we were
Way back when

Life moves fast
I move slow
I am left behind

I Think I Might Be Starting To Get It...

2007-10-21T16:33:00.000-07:00

I was thinking last night, which in itself is a dangerous thing, but here's what I came up with.

I'm feeling disconnected. From church. From friends. From family. From life. From school. I feel like I've just been going through the motions, but nothing is really connecting me to what I'm doing.

Disconnected. That's the best way to describe it.

I'm really really really really really looking forward to having this Friday off. I'm going to get to sleep in, maybe pop into the church, and try to finish a wedding gift, if I haven't already finished it by then.

I Just Don't Know

2007-10-18T15:08:00.000-07:00

I've really wanted to post lately, but it's been so hard to organize my thoughts. I'm thinking I might start some counselling again. Life is crazy stressful right now with school and work, plus just day to day life. I don't have chances to just sit down and chat with people anymore. I can't just stop by the church and hang out for a while hoping to talk through stuff. I'm always on my way somewhere...or from somewhere...or doing homework...or just collapsing from exhaustion. I'd prefer not to have to start counselling again, even though it was sometimes helpful. I'd prefer to just be able to do things more casually, but maybe that's not possible for me.

I need some me time. I need some friend time. I need some TIME.

That's about all I can think about right now. I'm going to go back to paying attention to class.

Giggles Uncontrollably

2007-10-17T22:42:00.000-07:00

Music Is What Feelings Sound Like

2007-10-04T18:05:00.000-07:00

I bought an iPod. An 80GB Black one. The new design is nice, it's smaller than the old one. It's currently in the process of transferring the 2000 songs I have on my computer so far. It will take a while to get all my stuff onto it, but I'm okay with that. I'm so excited that I'll finally have all my music in one place so that no matter how I feel, I'll have something to listen to that will go with it.

It Made Me Giggle

2007-10-01T06:45:00.000-07:00

"They gave me a humble button but then they took it away because I wore it."

The person I heard this from was Candace Craig, but she didn't take credit for it...so I don't know who came up with it, but it definitely made my night!

The Week of Insanity - Days Four & Five

2007-09-28T21:39:00.000-07:00

I've combined two days because that way I can keep watching my season premieres.

Thursday - Wake up at 5:30...Triple Grande Pumpkin Spice Latte...class...coffee...talking...more coffee...chapel...class...coffee during class break...home for five minutes to set VCR...training...Nyquil...SLEEP!!! Yes, that's right, sleep. It's a bit of a foreign concept for me...but I managed to get like 10-ish hours of sleep. It was heavenly.

Today (Friday) - Wake up at 8:30. Postpone getting out of bed till 10:20...get ready for work...work for 6 hours...come home and start watching House...training...and now I'm home. I'm working on CSI right now, then I'll get to move on to ER. I'm excited. I'm also surprisingly alert considering I haven't had any coffee today.

Tomorrow is more work. I seriously need to clean up my room, at least a little. The bathroom is gross and the garbage might start growing things soon. Yup...cleaning and work. That's my life...Nighty night!

The Week of Insanity - Day Three

2007-09-27T09:42:00.001-07:00

One and a half hours of sleep…that’s what I went through yesterday on. My day started at 5:30 as usual, out of the house by 7:00, COFFEE, class where I handed in my 10 page paper, voice lessons cancelled, class where I got 14/15 on my quiz, lunch, peer counselling, COFFEE, class where we watched a video of a human birth…maybe I don’t really want kids, bit of chatting, drive home, blow bubbles with Bailey, training (it was heavy last night…abortion procedures are hard to listen to), home to watch CSI: NY season premiere, bed…
And today…well, today I might not be home until 10:00…except to drop off my laptop and set the VCR for CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (aka Vegas).

The Week Of Insanity - Day Two

2007-09-25T21:42:00.000-07:00

I skipped Ethical Reasoning this morning. I felt like crap so I stayed in bed for an extra 3 hours. I think it may have helped. Work was rough...but I took lots of Advil Cold and Sinus.

I'm really enjoying my training sessions for Service Practicum. I'm going to be working with the Fraser Valley Pregnancy Centre in Aldergrove. It's really cool to sit down and have a real discussion about Sexual Integrity and Biblical Sex. It's completely honest and totally different from what we learned in high school. I'm even looking forward to taking Sexual Ethics at school next semester/year.

And now I have to buckle down and write my book review for Hermeneutics. It's supposed to be a 2500 word paper...and I'm sitting at just over 100 words right now. It's due at 8:00 am tomorrow. Yay for a possible all nighter... :S

The Week Of Insanity Begins

2007-09-24T22:24:00.001-07:00

It's Monday night. I got home from Service Practicum training a little while ago. I'm exhausted, sick, tired, and confused.
Tomorrow I'm considering skipping class to sleep in, hopefully begin to kick this cold, and then go to work and more training.
I think my Advil cold and sinus is starting to kick in cuz I feel all fuzzy and like I'm floating, not to mention all the backspaces I've just done to write these few sentences.
I think I'm crawl under the covers now...I have to be up in...7 hours and 9 minutes according to my alarm clock. If I go to school that is...I can think of all sorts of ethical reasons to miss ethical reasoning at 8:00 am when I'm sick... :)

And the thunder rolls...

2007-09-18T17:48:00.001-07:00

Quiet
Still
Small
Soft
Light
BOOM
RUMBLE
RUMBLE
RUMBLE
Light
Soft
Small
Still
Quiet

I was sitting in my room, avoiding my homework, when the thunder hit. I didn't actually see a flash of lightning, but thunder is the sound it makes, so it must have happened. I just felt like expressing it somehow.

The Heart Is The Only Broken Instrument That Works

2007-09-16T13:48:00.000-07:00

I repeat: "The Heart is the Only Broken Instrument that Works." ~T.E. Kalem

But the thing is, it doesn't feel like it works in any mode but hurt. Even when I'm smiling, or when I've forgotten for a few minutes or hours, it still feels hurt. It's amazing how one little piece of information can seemingly break you down to the core.

I can't go into details, and even if I sould I'm not sure I would want to on here right now. However, I feel like it would be a benefit for me to talk about it. Then there's the problem that I'm not allowed to talk about it. How am I supposed to take this information and move on if I basically have to pretend that I don't know? I know I can't change this information and I can't do anything about it. But I'm stuck knowing it whether I want to or not and feeling like I can't do or say anything about it either.

And with that...I ask for your prayers. I have a very intense semester coming up and if I can't focus on my schooling I'm going to end up failing everything. I can't do that. I also can't avoid my personal life. So here goes... Life continues and I continue with it.

The most violent element in society is ignorance. ~Emma Goldman

2007-09-02T21:18:00.000-07:00

So I joined this group on Facebook entitled "I bet I can find 1,000,000 Christians." I've posted in one discussion group so far, and got cut to shreds by sharing my opinion. I have seen some of the most ridiculous postings ever created in this group. It's pathetic.
This is the Recent News section: "OK!!! so, this group is ONLY for those who know God and have a FULL relationship with Him! THAT'S what I mean by Christians!"

There seem to be a LOT of non-Christians in the group and they all seem to be content to bash the Christians in the group. I freaking hate ignorance.

The discussion I posted in was about Latter Day Saints (or Mormons). I have done a LOT (and when I say a LOT, I actually mean it) of research about the LDS church and what they believe. I shared my opinion, after opening with a quote from a book I borrowed from someone. I was cut to shreds not by a Mormon person, but by a non-Christian who just seemed to take everything said by the one Mormon person in the discussion at face value. Why is it that no matter what the Mormon guy said, it was believable, but what I said was insulting and rude?

I'm really frustrated by the ignorance of people in groups on Facebook. There are a lot of them. Why did people join a group titled "Abortion is Murder" if they don't agree with that? Why did they feel the need to continue to blame me for something someone else already blamed me for?

I'm feeling the need for a good long talk with my friends. My real Christian, real friends, real people, who really love me. I'm looking forward to being back at school where this can happen.

Really Random Rants

2007-09-01T12:42:00.000-07:00

Yay for alliteration!

I've had all sorts of random things swimming in my head for days. Now I'm going to put some of it out there for the world.

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People, well women actually, please wear good bras! Get yourself sized! It's not as weird as you think. They do not see your boobs. All they see is a person in their bra who is nothing special to them because they see them all day long. I went for years wearing the wrong bra size. Yes, it is expensive to find a bra that fits properly if you are not a "regular" size. But it's totally worth it. I've spent over $200 in the last couple of months to get two (yes only two) good bras that fit me. It feels a million times better! It's good for the girls! Get sized! I'll come and hold your hand if you want. ;)

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Everyone, wear clothes that fit! If everytime you stand up, you're showing off crack, your pants don't fit. If you have to wear an extra layer because the size you bought is showing off your bulges, it doesn't fit. If you have to pull at every layer of clothing everytime you move, they don't fit!
I'm not perfect, some of my clothes don't fit right, but I'm trying to shop better. Please, just do the same!

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I've been having really weird dreams. Like I'm talking things people on acid trips probably don't imagine. The one that is still implanted right in my mind is the one where Cloverdale was having some sort of natural disaster, there was no power anywhere, I was in my car with two people, I can only remember who one of them was, and I was concerned cuz we were leaving the church and there were groceries in the back of my mom's car that needed to be put in the fridge but we were trying to escape a flood so it wasn't really that important. One of the people with me died, I no longer remember who. So we ended up going to the Pastor's house, where we found Andrew and Candace playing video games as if nothing was happening outside. And my entire extended family had somehow ended up there, where we huddled up and watched movies. That went on until we realized we needed food, at which point I left the house, accompanied by the four remaining members of the "White Rapper Show" and walked out the basement door into a forest. (There is no forest there!) I forget what happened after that. We were in the trees, lost, for a while, then I woke up.
They have been getting weirder too. *sigh*

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I'm having a hard time typing properly because my nails are so long and my keyboard is really tight cuz it's a laptop. But I don't want to cut my nails, they look so pretty!

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You make me wanna live,
You make me wanna live
You came to shake us
And to wake us up to something more
Than we'd always settled for
You make me wanna live

(That's the part of a song stuck in my head right now)

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I've come to accept the fact that I love romance novels. But they have to have a real story to them. None of this harlequin crap. I'm hooked on Julie Garwood novels. I especially love "The Bride", "The Secret", "The Wedding" and "Ransom". They're great. I'm not ashamed of my love for love stories.
I also love chick flicks. Used to hate them. Hooked on them now. Watched "The Notebook" last night. *sigh* I want a story like that someday...except maybe without some of the extra people in my bed... ;)

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I need a computer break. My neck hurts and I'm hungry.

Seriously, I'm Still Giggling

2007-09-01T12:08:00.000-07:00

Had it all prepared in my head...

2007-08-25T23:05:00.000-07:00

I was prepared to have a good long venting session on here. But then I got distracted by Facebook and by music. Now I just have a few short lines of a song to share...

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
Something's missing
And I don't know what it is
At all

I can't be sure that this state of mind, is not of my own design
I wish there was an over the counter test, for loneliness.
For loneliness like this.
~ Something's Missing ~ John Mayer ~

Too Funny Not To Share

2007-08-25T16:54:00.001-07:00

Why do I bother?

2007-08-24T20:05:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I'm writing this, no one reads my blog. How do I know this? No one has changed their links to my blog to my new blog address. How do I know this? I've been checking the link lists on everyone's blogs to see if they've been changed.

It's Friday night and I'm sitting here at 8:03 in my pyjamas because I've got nothing better to do. I'm watching a show I don't like, but I'm considering turning on a movie of some sort.

I've been feeling very anxious all week. I woke up every morning not wanting to leave the house. I left anyways. I worked three days, did my full 14 hours. At least I made enough money to pay another month's insurance this week.

I really want dill pickle chips. I also want Nibs. I would go get them, but my car is blocked in by my dad's truck. Well I guess there's also the fact that I have $24 in my bank account.

I'm bored. I'm tired. I'm anxious. I'm depressed. I'm hungry. I'm annoyed. I'm frustrated. I'm...yeah that pretty much covers it I guess.

Nope, Uh uh, Don't Wanna

2007-08-16T08:31:00.000-07:00

I've been awake for almost an hour and a half. I'm supposed to be going to work any minute now. I have no desire whatsoever to get out of bed. I just want to lie here all day and avoid the world. I don't feel particularly sad or anything, just don't want to leave the house.

*sigh* (literally, as I typed that I sighed)

I suppose I better get up and shower and everything. The world will continue whether I want it to or not. I just need to get through the day...pray for me.

Uh Oh

2007-08-14T00:19:00.000-07:00

I forgot to take my pills this morning...
Tomorrow is going to suck. Even though I'll take my pills when I get up (in 7 hours...:S), I will have feelings of withdrawal all day tomorrow. Which means that I will be exceedingly anxious, and probably depressed.
This sucks!

Right now I can't seem to shut my mind down. It's been a while since I had this feeling. I don't miss it. I want it gone. I can't believe that missing one little pill can mess me up so badly. This just tells me that even though sometimes I feel like crap, they really are working, because it could be oh so much worse...

There are all sorts of things I want to rant and rave about right now, but I'm afraid that I'll either forget them by morning if I don't write them right now, or regret them in the morning if I do.

I'm going to make another attempt at sleep now. Catch ya on the flip side...

So obviously I'm home...

2007-07-31T21:17:00.000-07:00

I enjoyed Creation...for the most part. I had my bad day. I would have left if they hadn't needed my car to get everyone home. I'm glad I stayed.

I'm extremely thankful that I got to go this year. I enjoyed myself even with the bad day.

I think Creation may have played itself out for me though. As much as I love going...I don't get the same thing out of it that I used to. I don't know if it will be my last time, or if I'll keep going every year for the rest of my life. What I do know, is that Creation is awesome, and a great trip for anyone who is thinking they might like to go in the future or has gone in the past.

Here are a couple of pics. There are lots more on my Facebook, for those of you who are connected.

Pic #1 is Run Kid Run.

Pic #2 is Switchfoot

Pic #3 is the group playing Scum

Creation, Creation, Creation's on Fire!

2007-07-24T23:18:00.001-07:00

I'm off to Creation in less than 9 hours. I'm excited. I haven't felt this excited for Creation in quite a while. I get to drive my parents' new car, a 2006 Matrix, which is awesome...just in case my mom is reading this even though I asked her not to...thanks mom!

There are a few people coming on this trip that I might have some trouble tolerating, but I'm praying for patience.

This will by no means be a work-free vacation, especially considering I'm heading up a work team, but I'm hoping that I will find time to relax on my own, and most importantly, with God. I need to reconnect with God in a big way. I've been working on it, but my personal time is so often spent doing other things that I forget to include God in it. I'm looking forward to seeking Him out in everthing that happens at Creation. It's all about God.

God is good...
All the time...
And all the time...
God is good!

"Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration...

2007-07-17T21:17:00.000-07:00

How ironic is it that I just went to find a quote about frustration for my title, and all I kept getting was a blank page, which made me very frustrated?

I myself prefer to laugh, there is less cleaning up to do afterward." - Author unknown

I've been having a rough week so far, not that it's a secret. I'm finding it hard to express myself about how I'm feeling. I've found myself on the verge of tears so many times I can't count them. I've laughed things off and I've ignored people's comments. I don't want to be that person. I want to be able to share how I'm feeling and what I'm going through. I don't know how to go about this.

When you ask me how I'm feeling, I will answer, with how I'm actually feeling. From now on... Or I will at least attempt to do so. Please do not be afraid of my answers, or else don't ask. I'd love to sit down and talk to people and explain how I feel, I just can't seem to find the time lately.

I'm exhausted. I've barely slept in the last three nights. I cut caffeine out of my diet so I can't blame it on that. I'm just not sleeping. I'm going to go put on my pj's and crawl into bed now.

She was wrong!

2007-07-16T20:54:00.000-07:00

I feel guilty for telling her she was wrong. I was right! There are no ifs ands or buts about it. In this case she is WRONG. I basically told her off. She told me I was wrong and I told her I didn't care what she thought. I'm tired of having the same argument. I'm right, she's wrong. I'm tired of putting up with her ignorance on the subject. Quite frankly, I've done a lot of research on the topic and I know what I'm talking about. She is wrong. But I'm not supposed to contradict her. That's why I feel guilty. I stood up for myself, and she made me feel guilty for it.

So who is she? My Grandmother.

Thanks to Pastor Jef for this!

2007-07-15T22:50:00.000-07:00

I'm not typically much of a country fan. But this song really hit me hard this morning. I had to fight back tears multiple times during the church service. I had a rough morning. And a rough afternoon. And a semi-rough evening. Plus I have a migraine, which doesn't help things.

I'm off to bed now. Please watch the video. It's awesome!

Woke Up Sad And Anxious

2007-07-15T09:44:00.000-07:00

I Almost

2007-07-12T10:17:00.000-07:00

I almost stayed home
So I wouldn’t have to face you.
I almost turned back
So I could hang onto the hope.
I almost didn’t knock
So I could leave the things without talking.
I almost laughed
When I saw the familiar pyjamas and shirt.
I almost cried
When I thought about what’s happened.
I almost said “Have a good life”
When you said “Have a good day."
I almost waited
To see if you would say anything else.
I almost turned around
So that we could talk.

But I didn’t.
I went and faced you.
I kept going and kept the hope.
I knocked and gave you your things.
I held back my laugh for fear you’d misinterpret it.
I held back the tears in case I couldn’t stop.
I said “You too” instead.
I walked away.
I kept walking away from you.
I got into the car where we’d shared so many good times
And I cried.

2007-07-10T22:09:00.000-07:00

Did it again...

2007-07-09T14:19:00.000-07:00

I wrote out a post. Fully intended to post it. Saved it instead.

I feel really crappy today. It started out as just a feeling that something was going to go wrong today. I've been listening to Christianrock.net all day rather than the loud angry music I really wanted to listen to. But it's really not helping me feel any better.

It moved on to me deciding to do something I shouldn't have done. But it's too late now. Now I'm feeling very frustrated, with myself mostly, because I couldn't be stronger.

Tonight, I want to find something to do that will help me release some pent up energy and emotions. Then maybe I'll feel better. That's what I want. What I'll probably end up doing is coming home from work, showering, putting on my pyjamas, and lying in bed all night watching tv or listening to music because I'll be so tired I won't want to move. Which is pretty much what I do every night...

I need a life...

Secrets!

2007-07-07T22:47:00.000-07:00

Why do I feel so relieved now that I've gotten to read new secrets for the first time in two weeks? Is my life that pathetic? My heart skipped a beat when I saw that it was finally updated. It made me happier than many other things have this week.

Oh well, I guess I should enjoy the simple things that make me happy. If I make it too complicated, nothing will ever make me happy again.

(If you're wondering what I'm talking about, click on the link to the right that says "Not-So-Secrets.")

One GREAT Salesman!

2007-07-06T09:26:00.000-07:00

A young guy from Montana moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Montana."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says "one".

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101,237.65".

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."

I Like Music

2007-06-30T21:22:00.001-07:00

I really like music. I don't have much else to say than that. I just really love music. Almost all kinds of music can be found in my collection. I appreciate music even if I don't enjoy it much. I think music is the best expression of feelings ever.

Yeah...that's about all.

Pain...

2007-06-25T23:20:00.000-07:00

I just spent almost an hour crying...and I might just cry some more before I finally go to bed. I cried for all hurts in my life. I cried for me. I cried for my silence. I cried for my pain. I cried for the lies I've told and been told. I cried for the sake of crying.

I cried for my friends...present and past. I cried for Sharon. I cried for Geoff. I cried for Leah. I cried for Neal. I cried for Cece. I cried for Jenny. I cried for Jenn. I cried for all the things that went wrong. I cried for the things that went right. I cried for the times I had to say goodbye. I cried for the times that I will have to say goodbye that haven't yet happened.

I cried for God. I cried out to God. I cried for love. I cried for heartache. I cried for memories, good and bad. I cried for loss. I cried...and cried...and cried...

I'm hurting right now. I've been hurting for years. I can't seem to let go of the hurt. I'm trying. Really, I am trying. I just want to be allowed to be me. I want to know who I am and just be that person. I don't know how I got to be the person that I am, but I don't like it. I'm a different person for different people. There's a part of me that thinks that maybe one of them is the real me, but the other part of me says it's a combination, or none of the above.

I don't know who I am. I don't know where I'm going. But I seem to be going there faster than I can keep up with.

All I seem to be left with is...
Why God? Why?

Why?

2007-06-24T09:39:00.000-07:00

Why do we need Honesty Box (Facebook) to tell people how we really feel about them? If someone really cares about me, I'd hope that they could find it in themselves to tell me how they really feel without worrying that I'll hate them forever. I know that I take things too personally sometimes, but I usually come around after a little while of sulking to myself. I've learned that if people aren't willing to be honest with me, and I mean brutally honest most of the time, then I don't really need them in my life.

If I hurt someone, intentionally or otherwise, I'd want to know, so that I can attempt to right my wrongs. And if someone hurts me, I'd want them to know, so that they can right their wrongs. If you're afraid of hurting my feelings when you're honest with me, then you don't really trust me, which hurts more than your dishonesty.

If we can't be honest with each other, then we are lying to each other, in which case we don't have a real relationship to begin with. So please, be honest people, and I'll do my best to reciprocate.

A word from God...

2007-06-20T22:42:00.000-07:00

Though I speak, my grief is not relieved;
And if I remain silent, how am I eased?
Job 16:6 ~ NKJV

I didn't do it... I wanted to, but I didn't.

2007-06-12T22:55:00.000-07:00

Never write a letter while you are angry. ~Chinese Proverb

I wrote out a long note on Facebook and really wanted to post it. I finally felt like I had worked out all the things I wanted to say. Then I started to realize that none of it is my fault. I can't change it. I can only decide whether I want to sit here and stew in my anger, or move forward.

To be quite honest, I think I'll probably stew in my anger some more, but this is the first step to moving on. I can't change what has already happened, but I have complete control over what happens next, on my end of this at least.

If things continue on the path I foresee, I will feel nothing but pity in the coming months. I don't want to feel that. I want to work through and see if there's something worth saving.

The only thing I have to say to you is that I find you a coward right now. If you really wanted to say that to me, you should have stayed online long enough for me to respond.

Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary. - Mark Twain

2007-06-10T20:25:00.000-07:00

Why do I feel guilty for wanting to take care of myself over someone else? The only person I should change for is myself. It's not my fault, it's not my problem. I can't change another person's life or their choices. Why do I feel like it's my fault when my friends fail at something?

If I feel a certain way, I should be able to express that feeling. I shouldn't have to be fake for anyone. People are always telling me that I should feel free to express myself and what I'm going through, but when I do they yell at me! Or they insult me or accuse me of things I didn't do.

I can't get past something unless I express it. I know that's the way I am, and yet I don't seem to get the opportunity to express how I feel very often. Why do I always listen to people and they never listen to me?

Right at the moment I want to scream, or throw things, or both. I hate not being able to express what I'm feeling. I want to be sincere, I really do...but I keep getting hurt when I do.

La la la la la...

2007-06-06T23:36:00.000-07:00

L is for the way you look...at me!

O is for the only one...I see

V is very very....extraordinary

E is even more than anyone that you adore

There's this commercial on TLC that plays this song. It gets stuck in my head every single time I see/hear the commercial. And I thought I'd share it.

(BTW Jenn, everytime I say or type "La la la la la" I think of #1 - You and #2 Panic! At the Disco)

Need To Vent

2007-06-02T01:40:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling pretty energized, which is a bad thing, considering it is currently 1:42 am and I have to be up in just under 8 hours. I have a lot running through my mind at the moment and there's no one here to talk to, and the only person I might consider calling at this time of night, is the one person I can't call right now.

#1 - Church is not about a show. Or a feeling. Or an experience. We don't go to be entertained or to have something special happen with other people. We go to worship God and have something special happen with Him. Why do people keep insisting on needing a feeling to go along with it? And while I'm on the church subject, why are you attending a Lutheran church if you don't like it when the pastor mentions Luther in his sermon? And why on earth do you feel the need to criticize absolutely everything about my church? I love Zion in so many ways, and hate it in a few too. I know there's a lot of things wrong with it, but why can't we focus on the things that are right? It's really frustrating to be behind the scenes and see and hear what goes on, then have to put on a front for the people who don't know all the nasty stuff in the background. Or to pretend that it's all horrible to please the people who don't know what's good about it.

#2 - People have no right to criticize those who don't agree with their beliefs. I know I do it myself. I am a sinner just like the next person. I am so freaking frustrated with having to put up with other people's beliefs and keep my mouth shut when they don't have the same courtesy to do that with me. I'm supposed to be the good little church girl who never causes any trouble. Then people tell me that it's okay to say what's on my mind, and get mad at me for what I say! If you don't want to know how I feel, don't ask. If you don't want my opinion, save the conversation for another time. Don't bite my head off because you said something totally incorrect, I clarify what you meant because I knew you just said the wrong words but had the right idea. I was doing it to try to make it more understandable. If a non-Christian heard those words, they would think you were really self-centred, I was just trying to fix a mistake. I nearly got up and punched the person who did this. Instead I kept it to myself and ended up with a bruised palm from clenching my fist so hard.

#3 - Why do I have to be the good little church girl? I don't, I know, but everyone puts so much pressure on me to be a good person. I want to be good for me, and God, not for everyone else. I've spent so much time over the last number of years trying to be what everyone else wants me to be, that I don't know who I really am on the inside. This is a really frustrating thing, especially considering how much time I've spent alone with myself lately. I can't be alone these days because I can't figure out what that means. Don't tell me that me being myself is annoying!!! You have no idea how much that hurt. One day you tell me I'm your best friend, the next I'm annoying. We're allowed to have differences, but don't do that to me. I've kept in all the horrible things I've wanted to say because I didn't want to stoop to that. I know, I'm insulting you right now. This is who I am. I'm supposed to deal with who you are, so deal with who I am. I say that, at the same time wondering if this really is who I am...

I want to scream and yell and swear and throw things and all other manner of horrible things right now. But it's 1:53 am now...my mom's in bed...and I really don't think it would solve anything. In 10 hours I will be done my very first counselling session. I'm excited, and nervous... The one comfort is that this woman doesn't know me at all, so why should she care what's going on in my life? Who's she going to tell? What could it hurt to spill my guts?

I think I'm ready to crawl into bed with Harry Potter (ooOoo, that sounds dirty) and try to get some sleep. I hate not sleeping. I'm hoping that talking some things out will help me to get more sleep soon. Either that, or I'm getting a new sleeping pill prescription, cuz 3 hours a night just doesn't cut it for me.

How Can?

2007-05-31T00:09:00.001-07:00

How can someone
Desert someone else
When they know how it feels?

How can anyone
Accept something
That they know will hurt them?

How can you
Expect me to stay around
When I’m so unloved?

How can I
Care so much
When they don’t care about me?

How can someone
Break someone else’s heart
All the while saying “I love you”?

How can anyone
Create so many lies
That they can no longer keep them straight?

How can you
Ask me to help you
When you never return the favour?

How can I
Want to be around you
When all you do is hurt me?

May 31st, 2007

I'm Done

2007-05-31T00:08:00.000-07:00

I held out my hand
You reached out and grabbed it
I kept it out
You dropped it
I held it out again
You grabbed it
I kept it out
You dropped it
I took it back
You never even noticed

I’m done
I tried
You didn’t
It’s over
Sometimes goodbye’s the only way.

May 31st, 2007

Please Don't Make Me Do It!

2007-05-30T15:44:00.001-07:00

You have until midnight tomorrow to update your blog or you will be deleted from my list of links. I really don't want to have to delete you...please update. And thanks to all the peeps who have already done so for the month of May!

Two Jobs? I seem to remember this going badly last summer...

2007-05-28T22:35:00.000-07:00

I got another job! Excitement! I'm going to be working with Langley Meal on Wheels starting on Monday for 8 weeks. 30 hours a week, $12.00 per hour. I don't entirely know what I'll be doing, but I'm happy that I have a job now.

I'm getting used to working at Zion. The vaccuuming is easier now that I have good wrist braces. I'm going to continue to work there a few hours a week, hopefully I'll be able to keep it up all summer and into the school year to keep a little money in the bank account.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm really excited about our new pastor. He's got a different preaching style, which might take some time to get used to, but I enjoyed his sermon on Sunday. I'm going to miss him over the next few weeks. I look forward to getting to know him and his family more when they come out here for good.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In a way, I hope you're mad at me right now. Cuz I'm mad at you. I can't believe you don't understand why it upset me. I want to unload all sorts of crap on you right now. I'm not going to though, because that would be very juvenile of me and I decided that even though I really want to, I'm not going to.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I really want a shoulder to cry on right now. I just want to spill my guts and cry.

Please God let Saturday come fast and let it go well...I can't take this much longer.

2007-05-28T22:31:00.001-07:00

300th Post!

2007-05-22T22:07:00.000-07:00

What a milestone, 300 blog posts... Well, that's enough on that topic.

I'm feeling very rambly, so don't be surprised if half of what I say doesn't make sense, some of it probably will.

I feel pretty good this week so far. I've settled into a bit of a routine with work at Zion. I still don't enjoy the job, but it will pay some of the bills until I find something else, so I'm thankful for it even though sometimes it sucks.

I just came from Bible study. We didn't so much study the Bible, like planned, but we got onto some great topics. I'm still kinda reeling in some ways cuz I had all these things I wanted to say, but I kept getting cut off or the topic changed. I guess that's what happens when you're in a fairly large group of opinionated people.

*takes big deep breath*
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*exhales what's left of big deep breath*

I feel the need to scream, but my mom is in bed, so I shouldn't do that. I just need an energy release. That's what happens as an insomniac. I have tons of energy right now, while everyone else wants to go to bed. It's quite frustrating. I want to be rid of my energy and all my pent up things to say. Damn insomnia. Last night I was up till around 4-ish...then I slept off and on till almost 11. I sleep half the day away and I'm up all night. I have no life because of this.

Oh well. I'm going to leave my blog now and find something more entertaining to do to get rid of some energy. Have a lovely night all...or day...or whatever depending on when you're reading this.

I Don't Want To Hurt Anymore...

2007-05-16T00:55:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking...I know, dangerous eh? Well it literally is dangerous. I don't understand myself. I was doing so well. Now I feel as though I've fallen right back into the trap of feeling like crap. (My glasses are filthy, I just noticed this.)

I'm depressed because I have no money and no job...and I have no money and no job because I'm depressed. All I want to do is lie in bed all day and do nothing. I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to see people. I don't want to have to face the world. But most of all I don't want to hurt anymore.

Some of this is hormonal, I know myself well enough to recognize that, but a lot of it isn't. It's a horrible vicious circle that keeps attacking me.

There are some things I want to get out of my head. But the thing is, if I say them out loud, it means they're real and I'll have to face them.

Last week, I was watching a movie, feeling like crap, and started absentmindedly scratching my arm... I didn't even realize what I was doing until I felt the blood on my wrist. I look at the scab each day as it's healing and pray that it doesn't scar so I won't have to be reminded of it. I'm scared to admit that I enjoyed the pain and don't want to remember the good that came with the bad.

When I feel good, I think counselling would be a great idea. When I feel bad all I want to do is find a way to get back to feeling good on my own. I hate the idea of having to rely on someone else to help me figure things out. I want to figure it out on my own.

There's so much to say. It's 1:00 am and I should be asleep, but I'm wide awake because I can't shut my mind down. My thoughts are swirling. They're going so fast that I can't type them out before the topic changes in my head.

I want to talk about some stuff, but I'm afraid that if I try, I'll end up skirting around things and avoid what's really on my mind. I never manage to get to the point of anything in a conversation these days. I start out meaning to say one thing, get distracted...or scared, and say something completely different.

I want to be the one who's allowed to fall apart. I'm always the one who has to be strong, even when I want to be weak, and make it so that everyone else can make it through what they're dealing with. I want to fall. I want to spill my guts. I want to talk about things. I want to cry...

I haven't cried in months, I seriously need the release. I've even tried watching movies that always make me cry. No luck there. I want to fall. And more importantly, I want someone to catch me.

I don't want to hurt anymore...I don't want to hurt anymore...I don't want to hurt anymore...I don't want to hurt anymore...Maybe if I say it enough it will come true...I don't want to hurt anymore...I don't want to hurt anymore...I don't want to hurt anymore...I don't want to hurt anymore...

Prepare to be Removed

2007-05-14T12:25:00.000-07:00

Anyone who either does not or has not updated their blogs in the month of May is hereby warned that they will be removed from my list of friends' blogs. I'm tired of looking at the same old stuff... Be as busy as you want, just say "Hi Shannon!" or something else, and I'll leave you on the list. ;)

I hate to quote a country song but...

2007-05-07T23:19:00.000-07:00

It only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So, I hold my breath--to forget

~Shania Twain~
~It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing~

The rest of the song isn't so perfect, but the chorus really hit me tonight. The last month or so has been really good...until the last few days came. I don't know what it is, but I'm feeling a little low. I need sleep...

Just so you know...

2007-05-02T23:10:00.001-07:00

Conversation is the art of speaking without thinking.

2007-04-30T22:27:00.000-07:00

I want to have real conversations. I want to dialogue in a fashion where my mind is challenged, where I can speak without thinking and then think later. I want to be involved in speaking about things that are on my mind, not just listening all the time.

I've caught myself totally daydreaming when people are talking to me lately. It's weird, I used to be able to sit and listen without sharing my opinions and have no trouble with it at all. Now I want so badly to say something. I guess I got used to speaking my mind at school, but those are different people, who know me in a different way.

I have a lot of opinions. I've been studying a lot of stuff that I never would have studied before. I've learned a lot this year and I want the opportunity to talk about some of it. I miss my school. I miss random conversations. Want to hear some of the weird topics we talked about? Tough, I'm going to tell you anyways - baptism, hell, spooning(and that was during theology, and it involved two guys), "Christian" music, masturbation, fears, etc.etc. And all of these topics were discussed in a very grown up manner. I know it's a weird list, but they're normal things that people think about (except perhaps for the guys spooning each other).

I want grown up conversations. I want to be challenged. I want to experience an atmosphere of complete acceptance where people can just agree to disagree and leave it at that.

Wow, I've been thinking about this for days now. I'm glad I finally said it. Anyone wanna talk?

An Occasional Thought

Question #7

Question #6

Question #5

Question #4

Question #3

Question #2

Question #1

Reflections on Vespers a.k.a. Shannon's Frustrations with God

FML

It's Not Supposed To Be Like This

A Few Thoughts

Facebook has stolen my soul...

I Want To Be The One

On the Verge of Disaster

Imagine

New Job!!!

Some day, Some way, Some how

How Quickly Life Can Change...

*Smile*

One Hell Of A Week

Someone Once Said...

Bein' Apathetic's A Pathetic Way To Be

Unimportant Things

Yay for computer geeks!

Here goes take two...

Proud Lutheran (but not too proud)

I Think I'm In Shock...

Oh Gosh...

Hard To Say

Indescribably Me

A Little Laugh

No Computer

White As Snow - Jon Foreman

Blessed

Ignorance is NOT bliss!

Beautifully Composed

The Lies We Tell (And Believe)

What to say...

Is it bedtime yet?

Thinking, procrastinating, writing, singing, listening, watching...

To Sum It Up - - - WOW!

'Nuff Said

Just Me

Why can't it be like it used to be?

Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, My Old Friend

Stupid Stairs!

Is It Too Much To Ask?

Movie Night

FaIling

Missing Days

I Think I Might Be Starting To Get It...

I Just Don't Know

*Giggles Uncontrollably*

Music Is What Feelings Sound Like

It Made Me Giggle

The Week of Insanity - Days Four & Five

The Week of Insanity - Day Three

The Week Of Insanity - Day Two

The Week Of Insanity Begins

And the thunder rolls...

The Heart Is The Only Broken Instrument That Works

The most violent element in society is ignorance. ~Emma Goldman

Really Random Rants

Seriously, I'm Still Giggling

Had it all prepared in my head...

Too Funny Not To Share

Why do I bother?

Nope, Uh uh, Don't Wanna

Uh Oh

So obviously I'm home...

Creation, Creation, Creation's on Fire!

"Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration...

She was wrong!

Thanks to Pastor Jef for this!

Woke Up Sad And Anxious

I Almost

Did it again...

Secrets!

One GREAT Salesman!

Smile

Giggles Uncontrollably