Reflections on Vespers a.k.a. Shannon's Frustrations with God

I drove to CBC tonight for Vespers for the first time this year. It was oddly comforting to be on campus again. I love the place, it just isn’t where God wants me right now, so I’m okay with it. It’s amazing to see people I haven’t seen at all (or very rarely) over the summer. Hugs and stories were traded all around.

I never realize how much I miss something until I’m back there again. I love being in a place surrounded by fellow Christians worshipping our Creator together. This year there’s less of a distraction for me too...(*wink wink for those who understand this*)...or so I thought.

As I was looking around the room after worship ended I saw a face I haven’t seen since last April. As much as you think you’re over something...all it takes is the blink of an eye to take you right back to the beginning. God grant me the strength to keep on keeping on.

I’ve experienced this in a few areas of my life lately. People who have basically left my life, coming back, and not knowing what to do or how to react around them. When they’re right in front of me I don’t know what to say. When they’re gone I have plenty of stuff to say. Why does my brain work like that? Out of sight does not equal out of mind, just a different kind of in the mind.

What did God say to me tonight? I don’t really think He said anything to me. Has God really ever said anything to me? I don’t know. I feel like parts of my life are messages from God, but I’ve only once really felt that God told me something specifically. I ask God for answers and messages all the time...maybe I’m looking at the wrong places for my answers, I don’t know.

I feel frustrated with God. And then I feel guilty for being frustrated with God. Which is ridiculous because who other than God can take all the crap I can throw out and still love me no matter what? No one, that's who.

I'm in a lot of physical, emotional, and spiritual pain right now. The physical I can deal with, it's just my body, I'm not taking it with me anyway. What's a little ache here and there compared to being nailed to a cross and dying a horrible painful death? But the emotional and spiritual pain are starting to take their toll on me. I feel a deep separation from God...a separation which I've felt for some time. I keep going to church, praying, and praising Him, because I know He's there...but I can't feel it. I don't know if I'm supposed to feel it. The emotional pain is almost crippling now. The fact is that I live in a filthy room because I feel no motivation to clean it. I'm in debt because I feel no motivation to save. I'm alone because...well that one I don't know...but I feel like God is ignoring my pleas in this department.

As the saying goes... "The truth shall set you free." I know the truth. I've accepted the truth. I've let the truth be known by others (a select few, but still). Why do I feel more trapped by it than ever?