It's Not Supposed To Be Like This

I feel the need to vent right now. I just spent the last hour crying, off and on.

I’m bad with money. I know that. I like to show how much I care about people by spending money on them because I’m bad at talking about my emotions. This has gotten me into trouble.

Including my student loans, car, and credit cards, I’m approximately $30,000 in the hole. I have no idea how to get out of this hole. I hate that I keep “borrowing” money from my parents. I’m sure that my brothers hate me too because they think I’m spoiled, living at home for free still. I haven’t made a car payment in months. My credit cards are both maxed out. My student loans are going to start collecting soon. And I have less than $2.00 in my bank account.

I love my job, for the first time...ever, really. But I’m going to have to quit because I can’t get enough hours. I understand that we have a lot of people to fit into a schedule, but it’s hard to go from 25 + hours one week...to 11 the next.

I’m supposed to be leaving on a road trip to visit some of my favourite people in 16 sleeps. At this point it looks like I’m going to have to cancel because I don’t have enough money. I haven’t had a vacation in about 3 years... I desperately need to get away from life here and try to relax. For me, driving is relaxing, therefore a road trip made sense. I thought I was going to have enough money in my piggy bank to at least cover gas, but since I decided to redecorate my bathroom, I needed more storage in my bedroom, and I ended up helping with a friend’s wedding shower, most of that money got spent.

I hate watching people around me do whatever they want and have to beg my parents for money to do the simplest things...like fill my gas tank. My parents just got back from a big vacation where they probably spent a couple grand. I don’t begrudge them this, because they work hard for their money and have been doing so for 30+ years. But it’s so hard to watch them when I can’t even come close to a short trip away from home.

I love my friends, and I love that they have found love and are getting married and starting families, but that is the hardest thing in the world for me to watch. All I want from life is a good husband and a home to raise children in. Is that so much to ask? I’ve been begging God for years to give me my chance at love...I hate to admit it, but it makes it hard to believe God really loves me when all I seem to experience is pain and jealousy.

I’ve made some really bad choices in life. I’m fully aware of this fact, but once I learn from them, why don’t things ever get any better? I fall for the wrong guys, who take no interest whatsoever in me... I work at jobs I hate for money that isn’t worth it, only to end up even more in debt than before... I finally get a car I love but can’t afford to keep it on the road anymore...

This isn’t what life was supposed to be like. I’m not supposed to be living off my parents at this age. I’m not supposed to be wearing clothes that don’t fit or have holes the size of my fist because I can’t afford to buy new ones. I’m not supposed to drown in debt at this age without at least having a degree to fall back on.

I’m not supposed to hate myself.