Question #7

Will I ever get what I so desperately want?

Question #6

Sorry I missed a little while, I had lots of ideas but kept forgetting to post them...

Why do I have such a bad memory?

Question #5

Did Adam and Eve have belly buttons?

Question #4

Why do men have nipples?

Question #3

How do I avoid offending people of other religions but still manage to ask questions?

Question #2

What am I going to do with the rest of my life?

Question #1

Does God hate?

Reflections on Vespers a.k.a. Shannon's Frustrations with God

I drove to CBC tonight for Vespers for the first time this year. It was oddly comforting to be on campus again. I love the place, it just isn’t where God wants me right now, so I’m okay with it. It’s amazing to see people I haven’t seen at all (or very rarely) over the summer. Hugs and stories were traded all around.

I never realize how much I miss something until I’m back there again. I love being in a place surrounded by fellow Christians worshipping our Creator together. This year there’s less of a distraction for me too...(*wink wink for those who understand this*)...or so I thought.

As I was looking around the room after worship ended I saw a face I haven’t seen since last April. As much as you think you’re over something...all it takes is the blink of an eye to take you right back to the beginning. God grant me the strength to keep on keeping on.

I’ve experienced this in a few areas of my life lately. People who have basically left my life, coming back, and not knowing what to do or how to react around them. When they’re right in front of me I don’t know what to say. When they’re gone I have plenty of stuff to say. Why does my brain work like that? Out of sight does not equal out of mind, just a different kind of in the mind.

What did God say to me tonight? I don’t really think He said anything to me. Has God really ever said anything to me? I don’t know. I feel like parts of my life are messages from God, but I’ve only once really felt that God told me something specifically. I ask God for answers and messages all the time...maybe I’m looking at the wrong places for my answers, I don’t know.

I feel frustrated with God. And then I feel guilty for being frustrated with God. Which is ridiculous because who other than God can take all the crap I can throw out and still love me no matter what? No one, that's who.

I'm in a lot of physical, emotional, and spiritual pain right now. The physical I can deal with, it's just my body, I'm not taking it with me anyway. What's a little ache here and there compared to being nailed to a cross and dying a horrible painful death? But the emotional and spiritual pain are starting to take their toll on me. I feel a deep separation from God...a separation which I've felt for some time. I keep going to church, praying, and praising Him, because I know He's there...but I can't feel it. I don't know if I'm supposed to feel it. The emotional pain is almost crippling now. The fact is that I live in a filthy room because I feel no motivation to clean it. I'm in debt because I feel no motivation to save. I'm alone because...well that one I don't know...but I feel like God is ignoring my pleas in this department.

As the saying goes... "The truth shall set you free." I know the truth. I've accepted the truth. I've let the truth be known by others (a select few, but still). Why do I feel more trapped by it than ever?

FML

Darn you Neal Roberts!

He posted a link on Facebook, and I decided to check it out. Now I'm reading all these HILARIOUS stories. Most of which, if they actually happened to me, I'd be mortified, but because they didn't. *giggle*

"Today, I was on my girlfriend's computer. When searching on google, her browsing history popped up. The first thing was"Best positions for a small penis." FML"

It's Not Supposed To Be Like This

I feel the need to vent right now. I just spent the last hour crying, off and on.

I’m bad with money. I know that. I like to show how much I care about people by spending money on them because I’m bad at talking about my emotions. This has gotten me into trouble.

Including my student loans, car, and credit cards, I’m approximately $30,000 in the hole. I have no idea how to get out of this hole. I hate that I keep “borrowing” money from my parents. I’m sure that my brothers hate me too because they think I’m spoiled, living at home for free still. I haven’t made a car payment in months. My credit cards are both maxed out. My student loans are going to start collecting soon. And I have less than $2.00 in my bank account.

I love my job, for the first time...ever, really. But I’m going to have to quit because I can’t get enough hours. I understand that we have a lot of people to fit into a schedule, but it’s hard to go from 25 + hours one week...to 11 the next.

I’m supposed to be leaving on a road trip to visit some of my favourite people in 16 sleeps. At this point it looks like I’m going to have to cancel because I don’t have enough money. I haven’t had a vacation in about 3 years... I desperately need to get away from life here and try to relax. For me, driving is relaxing, therefore a road trip made sense. I thought I was going to have enough money in my piggy bank to at least cover gas, but since I decided to redecorate my bathroom, I needed more storage in my bedroom, and I ended up helping with a friend’s wedding shower, most of that money got spent.

I hate watching people around me do whatever they want and have to beg my parents for money to do the simplest things...like fill my gas tank. My parents just got back from a big vacation where they probably spent a couple grand. I don’t begrudge them this, because they work hard for their money and have been doing so for 30+ years. But it’s so hard to watch them when I can’t even come close to a short trip away from home.

I love my friends, and I love that they have found love and are getting married and starting families, but that is the hardest thing in the world for me to watch. All I want from life is a good husband and a home to raise children in. Is that so much to ask? I’ve been begging God for years to give me my chance at love...I hate to admit it, but it makes it hard to believe God really loves me when all I seem to experience is pain and jealousy.

I’ve made some really bad choices in life. I’m fully aware of this fact, but once I learn from them, why don’t things ever get any better? I fall for the wrong guys, who take no interest whatsoever in me... I work at jobs I hate for money that isn’t worth it, only to end up even more in debt than before... I finally get a car I love but can’t afford to keep it on the road anymore...

This isn’t what life was supposed to be like. I’m not supposed to be living off my parents at this age. I’m not supposed to be wearing clothes that don’t fit or have holes the size of my fist because I can’t afford to buy new ones. I’m not supposed to drown in debt at this age without at least having a degree to fall back on.

I’m not supposed to hate myself.

A Few Thoughts

I've overcome a lot of crazy feelings these past few months. It's been surprisingly wonderful. I'm far from perfect in my feelings, but I feel like I've conquered a lot of demons as far as guys go. However, the end of some feelings, make room for others...and I may now have a semi-inappropriate crush. It's not wrong, just bad timing...That's for another time though.



I had my tonsils out 10 days ago now. I'm still dealing with a lot of pain. It's very frustrating because the rest of me feels fine. I'm tired all the time from the painkillers and I can barely swallow my own saliva let-alone any food or water. It's finally starting to feel better, but it's been so much worse than I expected.



God does some crazy things in our lives eh? I'm learning more and more each day about God's timing and my own timing...and how God's is most definitely better than mine. I like that.



I miss my Oma a lot. I know she's in a better place and she's finally out of pain, so that's a huge comfort. I don't wish her back if she has to be in that pain, I would only want her back here if she was healthy and happy. Since I know she's got health and happiness with God, I'm happy she's there. I didn't go visit her in the hospital...I was sick and I also kinda just didn't want to see her like that. I still have that terrible vision of my Grandpa in my head and he wasn't even that far along in his illness when I saw him last. I can remember the good things, but there's still that image in my head. I didn't want that with my Oma. I love her very very very much and I told her that. I sent her cards too, while she was in the hospital. She knows I love her and I'm okay with my decision. I said goodbye to her in my heart and I know that she knows it wasn't that I didn't want to visit because I didn't want to see her, but because I didn't want to see her pain. I kept getting pressured to go visit, but I made my decision and stuck with it. I'm comfortable with it and I hope no one judges me for it. I love you Oma...so much!